A Little Bit About Me

My name is Ava Langdon, and when I was a little girl, I wasn’t. In fact, when I was a little girl, I was a little boy, if that makes any sense. Which it should, if you have ever heard the term transgendered or transexual. But in case you haven’t, or you are totally clueless as to what I am talking about I will gladly give you the text book definition of what it means to be a transexual taken right from our trusty friends at Wikipedia.com:

“Transsexualism is a condition in which a person identifies with a physical sex different from the one that they were born with[…]”

What does this mean exactly? It means I was born into this world physically a male. Though that does not mean I accepted or lived with the fact that I was and am now to some extent physically, well, a male. I’ve always, for as long as I can remember, identified emotionally as a female.

It wasn't until I was actually around five years old that I realized I was different from other girls. That is, I had extra equipment that they didn't have and was encouraged to behave differently from them. I was supposed to like Tonka trucks, and getting dirty though I always found myself wanting to make-believe and play with dolls over going outside to play with the boys.

Laugh as you may but this is who I wanted to be when I grew up at four years old...

I mean, seriously. Think about this. What normal boy would want to be Jessica Rabbit? None that I know, so I was either extremely crazy or I really, truly, honestly identified myself with this kind of thing. To me, there was just something extremely alluring to being as pretty as she was. Not to mention the fact that I for whatever reason related to the way she carried herself in"Who Framed Roger Rabbit"

I was born in Okinawa into a very humble home. My mom and dad had me when they were barely eighteen, and barely married. I was born into a military family and my dad was very hard on both my brother and I. We were both expected to behave and act like men by doing what we were told and to like it. So needless to say I never spoke to my family ever about how I felt about myself on the inside in fear of having my transexualaity “beat” out of me.

I had a somewhat normal childhood despite all of this and even though it was difficult through my entire adolescence trying to conceal my true feelings from my family and the people around me. I managed to find ways to express myself over the years with art. I used to draw a lot, I still have folders of my old drawings, all of which were mainly women. I grew to love Japanese Shojo, think Sailor Moon, around that time of my life as I could relate to some of the same things the characters in those shows would be going through. Towards my mid to late teens I also developed an immense love for Gothic music and metal to the point where I actually formed a somewhat successful band with my brother which lasted a little under five years time.

As with most people in my generation, that is, those born in between 1983-89 video games have also played a big role in my life. We’re the generation that had stopped playing outside. Instead of digging holes in the yard, or climbing trees, or playing with dolls, we had a controller in our hands playing in a new sandbox generations before us couldn’t possibly conceive when they themselves were children.

Between the anime, the Gothic music, and video games I had plenty of outlets to express my feminine side without having to show it to my family, or at least be so blatantly open about it.